Sunday, January 27, 2008

The tale of a chubby pig in a wig,and the chummy friends she meet.

Once upon a time,extremely long ago,in the kingdom of SInkapura,there was a very very special little piglet.Like every other piglet,she stuff her face all day long in the pig trough all day long squealing like a stuck hog for more leftovers.She also enjoys just lazing about with her piggy brothers and sisters all day long in the mud.But one day,everything changes.This little tubby lardball was playing around in the garbage bin one day when she found herself a new toy.She found herself a wig with some rotting vegetables sticking out of it.After eating the vegetables,she decided to wear the wig,and started to admire her own reflection in the pond,thinking that she looks very fine and dandy indeed.

The pig in the wig decided to go around to show her friends in the animal farm her new look,and due to her extremely stupid brain,she was expecting appluase from other farm animals.To her extreme annoyance,not only didn't her friends the sheep,the horse,the rat,the donkey,the goose and the chicken clap their hands(They had no hands at all in the first place),they try to coax her out of her stupidity.They always knew their poor friend is both lazy and stupid,but being such nice animals,they always keep a look out for her,but of course she only rewarded them by gobbling their grub.The pig thinking that since she has a wig now,she looks just like a human being,so she wanted to go out of the farm,and go to the village square for shopping like the mistress does.

All her friend's advices fall on deaf ears,as the pig flee the farm on her extremely short stubby legs.On her way to the village square,she heard something that coincidently sounded just like a stuck hog again(due to the narrator being unable to find a better term for the tale) and what she saw was a female wild hog(boar) who got her head stucked in a drain while trying to eat the apples that roll down the drain.This stupid little pig in a wig,but ever so helpful,started to push and pull,tickle and lick,the wild hog out of the drain.

The wild hog,ever so gratful became instantly great friends with the pig in the wig.Since the wild hog was stupid enough to get her pretty little head stuck in a drain,we can assume that she is frankly speaking,just as stupid as the pig in a wig.Espcially when the whole floor is filled with apples,and she decided to go for the ones in the drain,emphasises on how damn stupid she is,and her stubborness is quite legendary too,to get her head in that far without pulling it out when she feels it getting too tight for her comfort.NOOOOOOOOO,she just want apples.

The two companions continued down their long route and on the way,they came across a malayan sun bear,and a kung fu monkey fighting over a round cheese.Hideous looking pig in the wig decided to help them solve the whole problem,but suggesting that the cake be divided into 4 pieces,so everyone can share a equal piece,which is very shrewd of her for once in her life(She is clever only when it comes to food).The kung fu monkey and the malayan sun bear agreed to her proposal,cause they are frankly kind of tired from such a long tedious battle,and they aren't that smart too,and they saw the pointed husks of the wild hog and her greedy little piggy eggs staring at the cheese,with drool dripping out,and a ugly little fat pig in a wig with decomposing smell is enough to make anybody feel sick enough not to eat cheese.

After consuming the meal in 3 secs,the two pigs and their new found companions were thinking about the next step to proceed,when the wild hog,the miserable little whiner started to complain about her empty tummy.The pig in a wig has a brillant suggestion!Why not let them go inside a human's house to eat the food,since she has a wig,she practically looked human!

"What an excellent suggestion!" all of her companions exclaimed in mock excitment just to get her to shut her trap(Except for the wild hog,who was really excited about food).It was at this moment,the goose who was teaching chicken how to fly,caught a glimpse of them heading in the direction of a random villager house,swoop down to warn them against doing anything really stupid.

But the stubborn pig in a wig said "if you are not with us,you are against us!You are just jealous that I look human.F@#$ off,you son of the b*%#@!".The goose knowing that his advices were futile,flew back home to tell the others to prepare 4 coffins,as he wanted them to have a decent burial at the very least.

The bear,the kung fu monkey,the hog,and the pig in the wig managed to sneak into the house,but their clumyness managed to wake up the owner of the house.Although we have 4 decent animals here that can do some sizable damage to a human being,the owner is conveniently for the purpose of this tale,a accomplised hunter with a loaded shotgun.All 4 animal died in a hail of shotgun pellets.The owner who very unfortunately being chinese,ate all the 4 pitifull creatures with gusto.

It was a sad end for the pig in the wig,but in the process,she drag 3 random animals with her,who if they were not eaten by the chinese hunter,would also die rather soon due to other predators.

The morale of the story,is that if you are a pig,and you wear a stupid wig,you are still going to be fried bacon in the very end.

The Tale of the Eagle that can't get to fly.

There was once a flying contest in which all the birds were damn excited about.The winner of the contest is going to get a all-you-can-eat-buffet voucher at the ritzy new restaurant in town.Among all of them,there was this particular eagle that had just join the colony of birds.Relatively new,there was general mistrust among the other birds and him.There was however nothing wrong with the eagle at all,he is vegetarian,so he doesn't hunt other birds to eat,and he treats all the other birds in a civilised manner.

Well,every single bird decided to take part in the contest,including the eagle,who spend alot of effort training every single day,learning new aerobatic maneuvers,flying for long distances and gradually increasing his speed every single day.

However,on the day of the contest itself,the eagle,who was a very likely candidate to win the contest,wasn't even permitted to take part in it,due to the fact that most of the birds there wasn't really comfortable with him,as they never really bothered trying to know him at all.Yet ironically,they allowed the cuckoo bird who often destroy their eggs in order to lay her egg for them to keep,and allowed the bloody stupid parrot who does nothing all day long but utter nonsensical vulgarities in their face to take part in the contest.

The eagle wasn't even given the slightest chance,just because,he wasn't in the neighbourhood long enough,or he didn't know anyone there in the first place.

He is very much like a fetus who was aborted by his mother without even given the chance to live.

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Story of Seymour the Gay Frog

This is the sorry tale of a frog named Seymour which is our lead character in this tale. Seymour was like every other frogs, he came from an egg with thousands
of his brothers and sisters, and spend life as a tapole trying to evade larger predators. Yet,even when he was just a little tapole, he knew he was a little different from his other brothers. When his other brothers were chasing after the girl tapoles everyday,Seymour found out that he is the happiest when swimming around with the pretty guppies,or sometimes,he enjoys nothing more than a good old game of tag with his brothers,chasing their butts.He would never play with the girls however.

Fast forward 2 months later,Seymour grew into a very strapping young male bullfrog indeed,but he was still the same gay prissy faggot inside.While his brothers and sisters were practising the good old fashioned mother nature's way of incestous relationships,Seymour was contended and busy playing with himself.

But today is a special day,today is the day Seymour got really high for the first time in his life.Like every other day,it was ordinary,it started with eating flies for Seymour,gossiping with his pretty guppies friends,and watching his brothers trying to impress his sisters.As you know bullfrogs could suck in alot of air,and make themselves swell really huge to impress the ladies,kinda like guys sucking in their tummies and puffing up their chests.

Seymour,since he never tried impressing girls,never tried making himself swell up before,so being very bored and so very gay,he decided to try to make himself swell up by blowing and inhaling the air,just like his bros.To his pleasant surprise,Seymour discovered he liked being swollen,and full of hot air.He decided to inhale and blow himself up more and more,and suddenly,he took in too much air,so he started to float into the air.

Seymour was never so excited since he caught a glimpse of his brothers taking a swim together,so he decided to get higher,and see a better view of the world.He keep on blowing and and blowing,getting higher and higher,but at this very moment,a bird flew past Seymour,who was bloated up like a balloon,and poke Seymour with his beak.Poor Seymour exploded.

The morale of the story is if you are gay,try not to make yourself too high, by blowing yourself too much,incase a bird come and poke you,and you will explode.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Pornography and YOU!

After writting this article in my notepad,I was wondering if I should upload it due to the fear of its shock factor being too much for any random elderly people that come into my blog by accident,or any underage kids.( I am talking about you, Yi Teng )

Ah,but screw it,if you want you can stop reading now,if you continue reading it,I am not going to be responsible for any sore wrists or provide tiger balms to any gents or ladies reading this blog that got a stiff right arm due to something they did and you know and I know but we are not going to talk about it.

I suppose that most of the gents and perhaps ladies at one time or another have seen some porno before right?Be it accidently,for pleasure,or for artistic purposes,and for the sake of education.No matter what is your bloody reason,you probably have seen some porno in your life.Unless you are lying to me.Hell,even if you are gay,you probably viewed some gay porno before.

Personally,I think that porno is something good.Why?

1)It creates Jobs due to its industry.Camera crew,directors,actors and actresses,script writers,make up artists etc.Also shops have something to sell,there are plenty of shops that sell porno videos,not including the online sites,and the sex toys shops etc,the porno industry is a huge thriving buisness.

2)Source of entertainment for the masses,just like watching the movies,depraved army guys gathered around in camps watching a small porno on a psp/hp/ipod touch etc just gives you a feeling of warmth somewhere right?Isn't that just so sweet?It builds friendship,I have seen many friendships being forged that lasted years due to porno.It is remarkable.

3)It relives stress for everyone!Nothing like a porno after a hard day of work.It perks you up.It takes your worries away.And it gives you a healthy radiant glow at the end of the day.

However,bear in mind that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing.Below I have attached a few picture for warning you guys/ladies that of what may happen if you watched too much porno.

Watching too much porn eventually lead to something else,and doing too much of something else eventually lead to baldness and a slight retarded look. It is kind of sad really............

uhhhhhhhh..........I don't have to explain this picture right?

Obviously,too much male bonding sessions lead to something totally new for this two guys,who is going to turn gay any moment.

So people,with great power comes great responsibility,so be responsible k.
Words were taken from Ben Parker,Spiderman's dead uncle.

Wow,amazing crap.

Your Brain is 73% Female, 27% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh,I am almost female in thinking.That is the biggest pile of hogwash I ever seen in my entire life.Afterall,all the people I have liked in the past,are all girls,and I think like a girl?

I have been dedicating my entire life to studying women and I haven even scratch the surface and I think like a girl? WOW!

Hopefully,with this new results to boost my self-confidence,I will be able to understand why girls love Bengs that much,and be able to find myself a hot looking cute guy in the very near future.

Poppycock,bullocks,crap to this test.

It is the most idiotic one I ever done in my short lifespan.

Friday, January 11, 2008

New Year Resolution

This year,since it is such a screwed-up new year,I decided that I had to have a new resolution.This Year,I decided to embark on a project to become the manliest man alive.Why?Cause I had nothing better to write for a new post I think.

First we got to determine what factors that seperates a boy from a man.

1)Physical strength
3)Attitude in life
4)His kindness
5)His ability to bake cookies in his feeble attempt to hookwink the readers that he is a Sensitive new age guy

This guy is a real man,if we can ignore the weird way he died in another girl's bed and rumour to have been killed by steriods misuse.

Super fit.Hard to achieve,but rather try my best to look abit like him,10% can liao,instead of looking like the other guy below.

"oooooohhhhh,get me some fried lard,I love fried lard!"

Also rather unhealthy to look like this dude

<<-------------------here But fat people are nice people,cause I am nice.

"What determines the worth of a man,is his will to get up,no matter how many times he have been knocked down to the mat"

"The reason why a man is strong,is not his physical strength,but the weight behind his fists,his passion,his dreams,and people he wants to protect"

So apparently from today onwards,I will go about my manly life by saving damsel in distress from flying cockroaches and thugs.Help old ladies cross the road etc etc.Hopefully by the end of this year,I won't make a resolution like "I won't bother with making stupid resolutions for next year"

And to my dear friend 'censored handsome young dude's name' ,do not give up hope yet,for your sister's sake.No matter what happens,you must know that your army friends always love and support you,so try your best.You won't die in your weight loss program,but if you do,I will give more "white gold".

Good luck become a man this year 'censored handsome young dude's name' .You have to protect your sister from the wolves with your new found physically fit body.Whack the crap out of em.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

My dreams.

What am I seeking in life? People have asked me this question for like the past 20+ years of my life。My answer is always the same, it is my dream to always be a gundam pilot. After I saw Gundam Wing, all I wanted to do was to pilot a giant mecha and go around fighting about gundams. In fact, it has been my wish to either see a Real gundam before I die, or to die piloting a Gundam. I would be dead, but at least I would be freaking cool when I am dead, I hope.

A huge Ka Boom and I will go to my 72 virgins in the sky. Oh crap, I just remember, I am no muslim, so I just self-destruct for nothing. Damn..............

The 2nd part of my dreams, after I become abit more self-aware of my surroundings, is to be able to find the perfect burger that gives me the so good "I died and went to heaven" kinda feeling. It is my dream to eat this burger. I am however painfully aware that just because it is huge,doesn't really mean that it is good to eat, and I probably can't finish the damn thing.. But I will die trying, with my face stuff full of beef. Why? The same reason why people climbed mountains for, cause the mountain is there.

p.s (most of those ppl that climb mountains are idiots, so am I)

But of all my dreams, I do have the most unrealistic dream which I left for the last one. That is to find true love. It is so unrealistic it is the biggest joke I ever posted on this blog!

Blog Update!

Blog updated for Celine's sake.

Here babe, blog updated like I say it would be!


Sunday, January 6, 2008

Tormented by cookies

+ inner demons

somehow I think I am screwed,for the wrong reasons.

I should kill myself if I wasn't so afraid of making a mess in my room and fear pain so much.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Memoirs of a Ah Beng Wannabe.

When you were young, did you ever have a dream of what you want to be when you grow up? Perhaps you wanted to be a doctor, save some lives, a lawyer to earn megabucks. I was like every other kid; I wanted to be a Gundam pilot which isn’t really possible since Gundam isn’t even invented yet. Damn you Japanese anime for ruining my childhood dreams.

When I got older, and started to take notice of girls, it was quite amazing to me how some dudes managed to get a girlfriend with no other reasons beside him being a Beng. Why is it so amazing about that is because it is amazingly stupid, as the Bengs are not necessary very handsome (some are handsome ) In fact, it is rather safe to say that some of them only have a face a mother would love. Character wise, they are not necessary what you considered as great material too.

I monitored the situation for the past few years and came to this conclusion. That to get the girls of your dreams,you would have to become a Beng. Not that you go around looking for fights, but it is more of a style, a factor, a feeling that only an ah Beng can give.

I know that a lot of wonderful ladies will tend to disagree with me, in fact, all the ladies I asked for their opinions claims that they hate ah Bengs. However, at one point or another, they definitely like an ah Beng looking guy before. Why is that so? That is because since the beginning when god created women, Adam had been confused by Eve as Eve didn’t even know what she wants. Women just have a soft spot for a ah beng looking dude, who has an odor of bad boy or excitement around him. I don’t know. Women always seek a perfect man, but if you give them a perfect man, they would find him boring. To them, their man is like a jigsaw puzzle, it isn’t fun if it is complete.

And on my Ah Beng theory, it is also beneficial for normal guys to become a Beng for some very good reason. For example, there are two guys, A and B. A and B are totally the same in characters and they both are on the same level if you have to gauge their looks. However, B looks like a Beng in dressing style. And you know that girls hate Ah Bengs right? This is how it works out, imagine if both A and B are both gentlemen, helping a girl open doors etc. A girl wouldn’t be impressed with dude A as he is doing what a normal guy would have done, but if dude B did it, she would certainly be incredibly impressed as who would have expected a Beng to be such a gentleman, So in her eyes, the level of improvement of guy B raises much more than A.

However, nor everybody can be a Beng, it is only a few selected individuals that could become a real Beng, for others like me, no matter how we emulate the style of a Ah Beng, it will be a cold day in hell before we have any success.

Woe is me; my dream of being a Metrosexual Ah Beng won’t come true in this lifetime.